First Major Expedition: Prepwork

As the name suggests, this blog is supposed to be about me chronicling my search for the elusive eligible bachelor. So, finally, I am in the process of planning an actual manhunting outing instead of just wandering through life hoping I trip over a great guy.

My co-workers E---- and N---- along with myself and possibly my friend, A---, will be going out for a night on the town next Friday. To most people, this sounds typical, boring, even, but you have to remember, I drink like once a year, maybe, and I go clubbing... umm, never. So, for me, the prospect of going out with the girls is exciting, verging on terrifying.

So, my first instructions were to find a suitable dress. I started my mission last Thursday in between my exams, and tried on a ton of dresses. The few that I deemed worthy of second opinions were photographed and sent to my sister and E----. That day, I think there was a total of three dresses.

Then, Saturday, K----, my sister, and I were planning to go to the art festival downtown, but first, I wanted to meet up with E---- and see if we could find a dress. We shopped, and shopped, and shopped; seriously, for hours all I did was try on dress after dress. E---- left no dress unturned. Until, finally, we were back to the store where I had found a dress that I really liked when I was looking on Thursday.

I tried it on for them, and what do you know? Both of them (plus N----, who was weighing in her opinion via text) agreed that was the dress. So, now, I have to figure out some shoes and jewelry.

That's the dress. So, anybody got any suggestions for shoes, jewelry, hair, or make-up? 

Promise to keep you up-to-date on this upcoming expedition!

Today Was "The Most"

It was. I thought I was exhausted having not gone to sleep until 3:30 am until I checked facebook and N---- hadn't gotten home from the club until 6 am. That was my first clue that today was just going to be stupid. The two of us do stupid stuff when we aren't dog tired, but both of us dog tired working all day shifts. Go ahead and write it off as a dumbass day.

Then, customers just kept doing stupid shit. One man brought in a floppy disk to see if we could process pictures stored on it. Let me run that by you again. He had a floppy disk. I literally saw it and thought, "What the fuck is that?" That's how long it's been since they've been relevant. And that was one of the more pleasant dumbass moments of the day.

One woman asked me 87 questions. While I was trying to walk through the store to the restroom.
I couldn't remember how to do the morning paperwork.
It took me like four hours to put all the sale signs up in the vitamin section.
A woman asked me a question about phone cards. I told her I didn't know anything about them, that the company I work for doesn't do anything but sell them, and that she would have to call the customer service number on the back of the card. And she still kept asking me about the stupid cards! For half an hour! WTF?!
The some grown-ass men came in and started bouncing the balls that we have in one of those weird bungee cord cage things. It pisses me off when little kids do it. Turns out, it pisses me off more when grown-ass men do it.

But all of that to say that today, during "the most" bizarre day I've had in a while, I am almost certain I checked out D-----, one of the local hockey players. And instead of asking if it was him, or making conversation, or flirting, I stared at him like he had six heads.

What the hell am I doing!? He was cute. He may have been a hockey player. He had epic facial hair. He had a nice voice. And all I did was ask if he had one our cards, give him his total, and tell him to have a great day! All while staring at him with this goofy-ass grin.

Excuse the French I'm using liberally today, but FUCK! No wonder I'm single. I've got about as much game as  a dead sloth.

Honestly, the best thing I can say about the whole thing is that he smiled at me the whole time I was staring at him. I'd love to have a do-over.

Unattainable crush of the Week

This week I've chosen another hockey player, and this one is actually pretty special to me. He's the reason I decided to be a Preds fan instead of a Tampa fan.

Why, you ask? Why, because he and I have a connection.

What kind of connection, you ask? We were both born on the exact same day. And since I've never come across anyone else born on 10-20-1989, I decided that it was fate that I become a Colin Wilson and Nashville Predators fan.

So, in recognition of a frequently overlooked player, this is Colin's week. Because even if he doesn't get to play much, he's one of (if not my very) favorite NHL'ers.

He always looks like he's having fun with the fans, especially when there are little kids, but Google refused to show me any pictures of him with little kids, so here's this one instead. Point being, he's good with fans, good with kids, and a-freaking-dorable!

He literally always looks this happy. In my head, he's the guy that's just happy to be there and is just all-around good-natured. Also, somewhere on YouTube, there's an interview of him where he says he believes in love at first sight. I don't care if he was joking or not, that makes me swoon more than a little bit.

This picture is really just here because of the way Shea Weber looks. But Willie is adorable in it, and so happy. I bet he said something dumb, and Weber couldn't believe he said it.

This picture also has nothing to do with the reason that it represents, but here we go. He has two years of a college education. And he's an American citizen. Which means he could be president, but Nick Spaling and Patric Hornqvist could not. What I'm really trying to say here is I can't find the video of those three answering Terry Crisp's random questions, but it's one of the funniest things ever because apparently, none of them can work a computer, either, and Colin is the only one man enough to admit it.

This article should be titled "Colin Wilson: The Most Adorable Pred"

Because that's pretty much what it's about. Apparently, in addition to our birthday, we also share the ability to forget pretty much any and every important detail.

So, I realize that this has been a little longer than usual, but this guy is just so cute. Some of my other UCs are on the list purely because they make me have dirty, dirty thoughts, but this guy, I want to kiss his cheek and hold his hand. (And lots of other less-fit-for-print things, too.) 

*Edit: Due to a copyright issue, I had to remove one of the images I was using. It has been replaced with a placeholder until I can go back and re-make it.

With Friends Like That, I'd Be Better Off With Enemies

There's this man, old man, that works next door to the drugstore I work at, and he buys his cigarettes from us. He also has a not so subtle crush on me. He's 51. That's 5 years older than my dad. And he works part-time at a fast food chain, has been evicted twice in the last year, and is greasy, icky, gross, skeezy.

So, pretty much every time he comes in, my coworkers find a way to make me talk to him. Tonight I was zoning the back when E----- paged me to the front. I didn't see him until it was too late to turn around and hide, so I had to go up to ask what she needed even though U------ was up there and could have taken care of anything she needed. When I asked what she needed (I was already pretty sure of the answer), she said that J--- just wanted to speak to me and make my day.

The whole time J--- was talking, I was glaring daggers at U------ and E-----. If I could have killed them then, I would have. He just kept talking about going home to bake a cheesecake (which they were quick to tell him I liked and would love to try), and how his online classes are going.

Eventually, he ran out of things to say (twice) and he just stood there looking at me awkwardly while I imagined U------ and E----- spontaneously combusting.

Finally, an old couple walked up and asked me where something was. Now, I knew we didn't have what they wanted, and I knew exactly where it would be if we carried it, but I insisted on helping them look for it as though it might actually be there. I pretty much ran to the back with them without even acknowledging that I was walking away from a conversation.

The lady even said that they didn't mean to interrupt, but I told her it was fine. Then, when I walked back up front, I made absolutely certain that J--- was already gone. Then, I proceeded to berate my "friends."

Oh, You're Flirting With the Girl at the Pharmacy...

...wonder how your wife would feel about that.

It drives me crazy when married men flirt. You're married!!! I know that our society has pretty much lost all respect for marriage, but just think about what your wife would think if she were there to see you.

On top of that, I'm not interested in a married man. If you're willing to cheat on your wife, then you sure as hell can't be trusted to be faithful to the other woman.

So, just because you call me "Darling" and smile and wink and tease and FLIRT, that doesn't make you any less married or me any more interested. It just makes you an asshat that I'm going to make fun of when you walk away.

Unattainable Crush of the Week

My apologies, but with NHL Playoffs beginning, hockey has pretty much taken over my life, so bear with me for the next couple of weeks while I go full on puck bunny. (I promise, I do really like and enjoy the sport, but some of those guys are just distractingly hot. Also, according to SpellCheck, "distractingly" is not a word, but I'm a rebel.)

Anyway, this week, since I've already sung the praises of Nashville's Shea Weber, I'm going to pick someone from my second favorite team, the Chicago Blackhawks. For the sake of full-disclosure, I became a fan of this team pretty much totally based on YouTube videos. Seriously, go YouTube them and don't fall in love with the whole team... go on, I'll wait.

Done? Didn't I tell you? Funny right?

So, all that to say this, my crush this week is Patrick Kane.

Kane is not the kind of guy I normally am attracted to; he's a skinny kid from Buffalo who (according to YouTube and Tumblr) spends quite a lot of his time drunk. BUT... he's so freaking funny, and he has that charming I-know-I-did-something-wrong-but-you-can't-stay-mad-at-this-face grin that drives me wild. Also, scrawny or not, he's talented. His shootout goal Saturday was freaking amazing!

Reason 1: His sense of humor, and his talent.

Reason 2: His mad dance skills... which is the same as saying his sense of humor

Reason 3: His freaking adorable smile. And the obscene way he chews on his mouthpiece.

Bonus: His tongue. Go watch pretty much any interview with him, and I can almost guarantee he'll be teasing you the whole time. I'm beginning to notice this seems to be a hockey player trait because he's not the only one guilty.

I'll take that as a compliment...

Tonight at work, this woman in her forties came in, and I complimented her ring (it was really cool looking, and I get distracted by shiny things). She thanked me and started telling me about the ring she usually wore. Her friends told her to stop wearing it because it made people think she was married, and then she joked that that must be the reason why no one had asked her out in a while.

I told her I totally (yes, I did say totally, so what if I sound like a thirteen year-old, it's my life) understood, but that I never wear any rings.

She looked at me, a little confused and said, "Are you married?"

This, of course, made me laugh, and I told her, "No, I've just never been asked out."

I would have given anything to have a picture of her face when she said, "EVER!?"

Then, the one she made when I said, "Nope, never," was even better.

Then, she asked if I went out and did things, to which I replied that I don't "party," but I go to lots of sporting events (code for hockey games) and to the movies and out to eat and pretty much all over the place. Then, she asked, "What about friends from high school?" To which I replied, "They don't exist."

So, then, I got a well intention spiel about how love will happen when I'm not looking for it, blah, blah, blah...

But her total shock. It was priceless. And because it's my policy to take everything as a compliment unless even rose-tinted glasses can't make it a good thing, I'll take that one.

"The Talk"

Eventually, everyone gets "The Talk." I thought that I had escaped this rite of passage, but tonight, my mom took care of that. Yes, you read that right. Tonight. Just to clarify, I'm twenty-two (22) years old. 

The conversation went something like this: we started out talking about one of my friends who is a total Assy McAsshat, and progressed on to how Assy, my ex-friend Bitchy, and my actual friend were all drinking at the hockey game last week. My sister saw them and was telling my mom what a horrible friend Assy was and how much everyone hated Bitchy, so that led Mom to suspect that I, too, drink.

So, we talked about how I drink like once a year, maybe, and laughed at how my sister ratted me out without even thinking that might be what she was doing. After that, we talked about how we don't like the sports teams from New York (Yankees, Rangers, Jets, Islanders, Knicks, etc.)

Mom got up to go to bed, and I got up to get ready for bed (yes, we were in my bedroom because yes, I still live with my parents because I'm a poor college kid, but guess what, I'm cool with it because I'm debt free). Suddenly, she slammed my door open and said,

"And while we're having these talks, just in case you sometime decide to have sex, use protection."

Then, she slammed the door closed, leaving me to laugh at how slim a possibility that is, and at how lucky I am that my mom is freaking awesome. Oh, and, I got the Sex Talk. It's been an interesting night.