Why do guys suck at communicating?

Tonight, I got a message from a guy on OKC. It was all totally grammatically incorrect, but the English translation was basically he thought I was cute, wanted to talk, and he had just come home from a tour in Afghanistan a few days ago, so his profile was lacking.

So, I responded that I was doing well, getting ready for vacation, welcomed him home, and asked if he was glad to be home.

He responded that he was really glad. Period. That was it.

I waited a while, decided I'd just let it go, then, decided it would be rude not to respond. So, then I asked what he planed to do now that he's back.

Relax. As much as possible. That was his response.

How am I supposed to respond to that? Oh, well, that's nice? Do guys not know that you have to give the other person something to go on?

I mean, it would be one thing if I had contacted him first, and he was just responding to be polite, but, no, he started it! So, why did he act like it was a burden, and a boring one, to talk to me?

If you want to talk to me, fine. If you don't, then don't start a conversation. I'm not going to chase someone, or beg them to talk to me. I want a relationship, but I'm not desperate. I've got too much pride for that.

A Little Flirting on the Clock

As you've probably noticed, I pretty much spend all my time at work. In consequence, most of the interesting interaction I have with the opposite sex occur when I'm on the clock.

One night, a week or so ago, this really cute guy who works at the supermarket behind the pharmacy I work in, came in to buy some cigarettes on his break. He was tall, tan, sandy haired, and blue-eyed with a smooth, sweet smile, so I promptly melted into an awkward puddle of goo.

I smiled at him, and just checked him out as I would anyone else, because, let's face facts, I suck at flirting. So, imagine the way my heart fluttered when he asked me how my night was going, after we were done with our transaction. Be still my beating heart!

We talked for a few minutes, albeit awkwardly, until the old lady who was passive-aggressively looking at the candy bars made things feel really weird. He told me to have a good night, gave me one last smile (to make sure I was good and melted, I'm sure), and walked out the door.

Apparently, forever, because he hasn't been back. At least not on any of my shifts. Which sucks. Because while I suck at flirting, I'd really like to give awkward small talk with him another try.

By the way, his name was S------, on the off chance that I get to write a sequel to this post. (But I never do, so don't hold your breath.)

(Not so) Random Cute Guy(s) Sighting: Nerd Squad Edition

This semester I'm taking a 400 level class on Milton, and there are a couple of really cute super nerds in my class. It's a really small class, so we all talk before class begins, and everyone always says something to the effect of "I really don't want to be here." But, for me, I'm happy to be there because the Nerd Squad is adorable!

There's M----, the tat'ed, pierced, cool-looking guy who studies Latin and philosophy.
There's S---, the adorable dork who seems like he would hold your hand and do cute couple-y stuff without being forced.
There's L----, the ironically hip, quiet guy who is really entertaining when he speaks.
And, there's M---, the sincerely intelligent, average guy.

I don't actually know any of their relationship statuses, but they like Supernatural, Doctor Who, Syfy, and Paradise Lost. So, basically, they're all boyfriend material. Which probably means they're all very, extremely taken.

Also, I sincerely hope (though it's highly unlikely) that if any of them were to see this, they would be flattered and not creeped out.

Shoutout to the Couple with the Lovely Wedding Party

Happy one week anniversary to the couple who got married on August 17, and had a lovely weeding party.

First, one of the bridesmaids came in wearing her bridesmaid dress. While it wasn't to my personal taste, it was pretty, and she looked pretty in it. She was buying condoms because the bride had forgotten to during the pre-wedding shopping trip. That cracked J---- and me up, so we laughed with her and told her to have fun and wish them luck.

Then, maybe fifteen minutes later, the groomsmen all came in looking sharp in their three-piece suits. I think men should always dress like that, because a nice suit makes guys who are just so-so look suddenly sexy. On top of all being cute, they were pleasant and funny.

My favorite was the one worried about the wrinkles in his suit coat. He was the last one out, and the cutest. I told him nobody would be looking at the groomsmen, that they were just there to take up space and keep the groom from bolting, which was funny because I couldn't stop looking at them. Then, we talked about how best he might be able to mix the Coke Zero he was buying with some Jack and sneak it into the wedding. He laughed and joked along, so he gets points for pretending I was witty.

Anyway, congratulations to the happy couple, your friends were really entertaining!

Random Cute Guy Sighting

There's a HEMSI driver that has come in at work to buy a snack on his break a couple of times in the last week or so, and he's a cutie. He's got a sweet smile and a good sense of humor. Just thought you should know.

Crush-worthy Guy Alert

There's this guy that has a PO Box at the Post Office station in our store, and I think I could really be in danger of having an actual crush on him. He's young, probably late twenties, and nice looking. His hands are rough and usually dirty from work, He owns his own landscaping business. And on top of owning a fairly successful business of his own, he comes from money, so my inner gold-digger is intrigued. Beyond that, though, he seems like a really nice, down-to-earth kind of guy. He's polite and always speaks when he sees one of us that work in the store.

Unfortunately, I've got no idea how to get him talking. I know that once he gets started, getting him to stop is a chore, but I can't get a conversation going. So, I guess I'll just settle for smiling at him everyday and giving him his change. Mine is a pathetic way of life.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way Home From the Beach

This is the last story I need to relate about my beach trip. After this, I'll speak of it no more. Maybe. :)

A--- and I drove down in my car (read: I drove, A--- rode) so that there were two cars with us at the beach, and so that I did not have to ride in the car with C------ for six hours. So, naturally, A--- and I came back together.

We decided we were hungry around normal people lunch time, found an exit with several options, and pulled into a Burger King. Our meal was fine, nothing out of the ordinary. I was so hungry that it didn't even matter that I don't like Burger King.

Anyway, we filled up our cups for the road, and walked out into the witheringly hot afternoon. Two BK employees were standing by the door taking a smoke break. One of them started talking to us. He asked how we were, and we said fine. He asked if we were from there, where ever there was, and we said no, so he asked where we were from. I told him Huntsville as I dropped my purse while trying to fish my keys out of it.

"Oh, yeah, up Madison County. Huntsvegas!"

That made me stop and look up because I've never heard anyone not from HSV or the surrounding area call it Huntsvegas. I asked if he was from here, and he said no, but he had some friends up here.

Finally, I got my hands on my keys and the doors unlocked. As we were ducking into the car, the guy said, "So, uh, can I get a phone number, so I can holler at ya when I'm up there?"

A--- slid into the car, and I smiled and said, "Sorry, no."

When I got in, she was laughing. "I wonder if they know their employees are in the parking lot harassing customers on their break."

"We should go through the drive through and tell them," I laughed as we pulled off with the guy still watching us.

So, it's not true that I never get hit on. It is true that I never get hit on by guys that I would actually date.

Love Connection via DrawSomething?

While we were at the beach, A---, B----, C------ (whom I still don't like and hope never to have to deal with again), and I spent a collective total of almost $200 on booze. By Friday night, we had gone through most of it, but still had plenty to fuel one more drunken evening.

A couple hours in, A--- remembered that she had been playing DrawSomething with one of her other friends... two weeks ago. So, she started playing on her phone. One of her opponents told her that she was cute, and she told him she was drunk, so, of course they started flirting.

I'm not sure how long they flirted because my evening ended about an hour earlier than everyone else's because I had to start my three hour long retching-vomiting-dying session.

Anyway, the next morning, while we were making breakfast (I didn't have a hangover mostly because after three hours of throwing up everything but my soul, that would have been karmic-ly unjust), A--- remembered her drunken flirtation, and that he had given her his email.

So, of course, she searched the email on Facebook.

Turns out, he's married. With kids. Classy.

But props to A--- for her close brush with cyber-age romance.

It's Possible That Hell Has Frozen Over

So... I might being meeting up with a guy later this week.

I'll let you digest that for a minute.

Yeah, I know, I can't believe it, either.

It all started when we got a new boss at work who had met her boyfriend on Plenty of Fish. That set E---- to nagging non-stop about me trying online dating. I tried telling her that I had tried it in the past and felt uncomfortable with it, but she just kept at me, and (as usual) she won. In the end, I broke down and made profiles on PoF and OkCupid, both of which I had tried before, and both of which and had met douche bag guys on.

About a week after I joined, I told E---- about this guy who had messaged me, but after I messaged him back, his reply was a little bizarre. Bizarre enough that I didn't think I wanted to reply back, so I just left it. As I was telling the story, she kept wanting to see my profile, so, finally, I let her read it. She ripped my poor little profile apart. Everything about it was bad. I showed her a couple more of the guys that had contacted me, and she was as unimpressed as I.

So, I rewrote my entire profile, and again, this guy messaged me, the same guy as before, but this time, he was really nice. He told me that he thought I seemed interesting and that I was very pretty, blah blah blah, and he gave me his phone number. With a what-the-hell-why-not attitude, I texted him. He asked what I was doing this weekend, and I told him that I had to work all weekend. Then he said that he gets off at four all week this week, if I wanted to hang out. I told him what days I was free, and he said he would text me this week.

Now, I know that whether or not this happens remains to be seen, but it's the closest I've come to a date. Like ever. I'm not so much excited as I am nauseous, and I'm working really hard to keep my expectations at rock bottom levels. E----, J----, and U------ are all incredibly excited. E---- said that she wants to take all responsibility for this date (the one that's not even planned yet), and I said, "Great, because if he turns out to be a serially killer, I'm coming back to haunt you!"

Anyway, wish me luck with this longshot. Advice is greatly appreciated (and openly solicited) either about the "date" or about online dating.

The Cowboy Casa-never

I almost forgot all about this, but you're in luck because I just remembered.

As I've said before, my co-workers have made it their solemn mission to find me a man. This has entailed flirting lesson, styling tips, a field trip to the club, and lots of advice. But one of them has taken it to a whole new level.

Very often, they start sentences with "We saw this guy, and I was like he'd be perfect for Elizabeth..." Now, however, E---- has gotten a little desperate for me. She's started asking guys if they'd be interested in me. And not guys she knows. Guys at work. Customers. Yeah.

So, recently, we were doing a closing shift together, and she said, "I need to tell you what happened the other night."

So, what happened was this: This guy wearing a cowboy hat came in, and for some reason, E---- decided to ask him if he'd be interested in me.

Now, I stopped her at cowboy hat, because there are only two reasons a guy would wear a cowboy hat to a pharmacy (or anywhere really). One, he's actually a cowboy, in which case, fine. Or two, he's a colossal asshole, which doesn't interest me at all. When I asked why she thought he would be a good match for me, she said he "talked kind of smart" and "seemed a little cun-tree." So, from that, I was able to deduce that he was Cowboy Hat Type 2, and knew not to hold my breath for a happy ending to her story.

So, anyway, she apparently said something along the lines of "are you single, because I have this friend--"

And before she finished the question, he snapped, "I don't do that kind of stuff."

Now, I agree that E----'s approach was more than a little clumsy, but seriously, dude? You just got second-hand hit-on (sort of), and you're gonna choose now to prove my Cowboy Hat Hypothesis? A more appropriate response would have been, "I'm flattered, but I'm not interested. Thanks though, crazy lady."

But the part that gets me is "that kind of stuff." What kind of stuff? A blind date? Being second-hand hit-on? Did he think E---- was inviting him to some sort of creepy-random-stranger-orgy? Did he think she was about to pay him to take me on a date then dump pigs' blood on me so that I would end up the star of my very own horror movie? What?

So, anyway, that's the story of another disastrous attempt to find me a date that blew up on the launch pad without ever leaving the ground. All the second-hand rejection is starting to mess with E----'s mind a little. If I don't get a date soon, she's going to start putting ads on craigslist for me, or something, but for me, it's all funny as hell in a depressing, forever alone kind of way.

Random Hot Guy Sighting

There's this guy that comes into work every now and then, and he is so hot. He's probably about 6 ft. tall with a muscled build, and he has has red, messy hair that I really just want to touch. He's also all tat'ed up, which is not normally a turn-on for me, but it works for him. Unfortunately, he doesn't say much, and doesn't seem that bright, but since he only gives me like three words to go on every time he's in, I could be wrong about that. Anyway, I just thought that you should know.

Random Freak Sighting

I have to tell you about this guy that's come into work a couple of times in the last week. He has red hair that looks like he stuck his tongue in a toaster, and the most bizarre facial hair I have ever seen. It has the same tongue-in-toaster look, and I guess you would call it mutton chops, but they go all the way to his chin, and there's just a strip of no hair. Honestly, I know that makes no sense, but I can't describe it any better than that. Then, he wears this weird necklace. It's really long, and it has all this random shit strung on it. Natural stuff mostly, like shells, and I think that's it's made of hemp. And then, to top it off, he talks like Crush from Finding Nemo. So, I'm assuming he's a burn out.

The first time he came in, he was asking about cigarettes, and he asked me if ours were expensive. I told him they were (because they are), and he asked if he would be better off going to the gas station across the street. I told him he would, and he asked for a price on one of the packs. I told him the price, and he agreed that he would be better off going to the gas station. Then, he goes, "Thanks, for being honest, you're da bomb." And then, he fist bumped me! Seriously, who does that?

Then, the other day, he came in again, on his break from work. I think he told me where he worked, but I don't remember. Anyway, this time he bought a drink and a pack of cigarettes (Newport shorts, I think). I gave him his total, and he said, "What about my employee discount?" Of course, my response was "Oh, you work for [name withheld for legal reasons], too?" He said no, but asked if it worked like that, if he could get a discount at any [name withheld] store by working at one of them. I said yes, and he said, "Maybe I should get a job here so I can get some [random item on checkout that I don't remember now] on the low-low." 

So, now, I seriously can't wait to see what he does and says the next time he comes in. I'm like obsessed with this weirdo. He's better than t.v.! And, if he shaved and lost the weed-freak jargon, he'd be kind of cute, I think. But that may just be because I've got a thing for gingers. Just to prove how obsessed I am, I'll tell you that I even remember his birthday. 08-12-1989. Now, I'll add to that, I'm not some creepy person who generally remembers people's birthdays, or other random facts about them, but every now and then, someone catches my attention enough that I do remember weird thing like that. But as a general rule, I'm not a stalker.

He got an "A" for effort...

I barely scored passing marks.

Last night, N---- and I were closing together, and at one point we were both on the register. It just worked out that the last guy in my line was cute. Not super cute, but cute in a guy-that-would-make-you-laugh kind of way. He was tall-ish, with blond hair, a cute smile, and a heather-grey t-shirt that said "My [Heart] Belongs to a Zombie" on it.

As I was checking him out, we made small talk (while N---- listened). He had just gotten off work, blah blah blah. It was nice, lots of smiles and eye contact and nervous laughter. Basically, it was flirting. As flirty as I can be, anyway.

When he left, N---- was waiting with a play-by-play. What I did right, what I did wrong. She liked the small talk. He was cute. His game was good. I did pretty well for a beginner. I should have asked where he worked. On and on.

Then, when I said "oh well" because there are no do-overs (I still haven't forgiven myself for the D----- incident), she said, "Uh, yeah there are. It's called another cute guy comes in and you talk to him."

Then, because N---- has some weird clairvoyance or something (seriously, she always schedules my off days on days when it rains!), another guy did come in. He wasn't as cute as the first guy, but still cute, and he was nice. We chatted, and then, I gave him his total, $6.66. He sort of made a joke about it, and I told him that where I used to work, one of the beers, if you bought it by itself, was $6.66. He said, "Did you work at, like, a gas station or something...?" I said, "No, I... well, I used to work in Disney World." He thought that was cool, and asked me couple of things about working there, so we ended up talking for probably five minutes. Which is a lot when you consider that I was just supposed to be ringing him up.

Unfortunately, for me, Sensei N---- wasn't around to grade my progress or give me pointers. But, in my self-assessment, I think I did pretty darn well. I mean, really, I chatted up two guys in one night. That's a lot when you consider I've never done that before, like ever.

I get points for trying, right?

The Way You Flirt, Sir...

...it pisses me off.

Tonight, I worked 11am to almost 10pm. About eight hours into my shift a couple of guys came in They may have been a little older than me, but not much, and they were okay looking guys; you know, not movie stars, but not skeezy or gross. Anyway, I said hello when they walked in, then went about my business.

A few minutes later, the Talker walked up to me and said, "I'm ready to check out, are you ready to check me out?" Like right up in my face. Now, it's true, if my day up 'til then hadn't been quite so stupid, I probably wouldn't have been so bothered by his tone, but today pretty much sucked, so I regret nothing.

I went to the register, and was checking him out, and he just kept asking me things and talking to me in the same tone where I knew he was joking (and probably trying to flirt) but really all he was accomplishing was pissing me off. At one point, he said, "Oh, you don't have to keep calling me 'sir,' you're probably older than me, anyway."

At this point, I feel that I need to interject that I can't even get into rated R movies without every employee in the theatre checking my I.D., so no, I don't look old, asshat. I mean, seriously, how the hell was I supposed to respond to that? After that he asked if I'd had a long day, because "the humor's just not rolling on you the right way." I said that my day had, in fact, been long, that I'd been there since 11 and didn't get off until 9:30.

Then, it was his friend's turn to check out, and the Talker still wouldn't shut up! He said, "This guy [his friend] will smile at you to make you day better. [Friend], smile at her." His friend then said, "Shut up, [Talker's-Real-Name-That-I-Didn't-Catch]," under his breath. That got sort of a derisive snort from me, which was apparently encouragement for the Talker, who then proceeded to celebrate his ability to get any reaction (which, I'll admit, at that point, it was pretty impressive, because usually that deep into a stupid predicament, I'm totally shut down, and not even pay attention to anything but escape) from me at all.

Thankfully, they didn't hang around. That whole story might have ended a lot differently if I had been in better humor, but seriously, dude, your idea of flirting is stuck in the third grade. Teasing and talking down to me is not the quickest way to my heart. In fact, it's pretty damn close to the quickest way to piss me off. So, I have yet again, successfully shut down a guy who might possibly have been interested in me. Fuck my life.

Maybe Work on the Approach a Little

Friday night, after the hockey game, the team stuck around to sign autographs. Now, my sister is an autograph fanatic, so she and her friend waited to get their team posters signed. My friend and I opted out of the autograph signings because if we actually meet them, they're real people, and it's more fun to imagine them than actually think of the real person.

So, while we waited for Kate and Lindsey, Anna and I walked around the park because it was a BEAUTIFUL night. There's a road that cuts the park in half, and we were walking along it about to head back to my car when this guy walks up behind us and says something really quick so neither of us understood him. We stepped off the sidewalk, thinking he wanted by, but he just kept standing there looking at us. Then, he said (mostly to his shoes), "I was wondering... if maybe.. you'd liketogooutfor dinner with... menmifrend."

Both of us were shocked, and immediately said, "No, thank you," as politely as we could. He said ok, and we parted ways, but it was so bizarre. He wasn't creepy, but the randomness of the situation made it creepy. We weren't sure whether he was asking us on a date, or soliciting us. Made for an amusing story, though.

So, kudos, dude, for actually walking up to a couple of girls and asking them out. Just work on that confidence level and the setting a little. You'll be unstoppable. :)

Random Cute Guy Sighting

Cute, not hot, because I'm not sure if he's old enough for me to legally call him hot.

Anyway, I'm a hockey fan, so I go to the local team's games as often as I can. Now, I'm sure that I'll talk about the players at some point. Maybe to commemorate the last game of the season next week, but they aren't the focus of this post.

This post is dedicated to the Zamboni driver. He is adorable! The only downside to his good looks is that I can't tell how old he is. I've come to the conclusion that he must be between the ages of 16 and 26. I feel like he probably has to be at least over eighteen to drive that thing for insurance purposes, if not over 21, but he just looks so young. But, yeah, he's a cutie, and I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate it.

Random Hot Guy Sighting

At out local mall, there's a hippie-dippie-trippie store that has all sorts of weird junk. There's a really, really, really, REALLY cute/hot/want-to-jump-him-sexy guy that works there. He's tall, has long, beautiful white-blonde hair, and has cheek piercings. Just thought you should know.