Summertime!

Tomorrow is the official start of summer, which to me, generally means HSV is going to be hot as Hell and miserable, and that I hate Pennsylvania (it's kind of an inside joke having to do with the corporate offices of the company I work for and their lack of understanding of the concept of humidity).

But this year, I'm going to the beach with some friends (and one ex-friend), which brings up a whole new level of summertime misery: finding a swimsuit. 

Have you looked for a plus size swimsuit lately? They're damn hard to find online, and impossible to find in-store! How the hell am I supposed to go to the beach and show of my womanly curves when the fashion industry seems to want to pretend that women my size don't exist? Or worse, seem to think that we should hide our bodies like they're something to be ashamed of?

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not totally comfortable with my body, and I will certainly not be rocking a bikini, but seriously, where can I find a cute suit at a decent price? And why is it so hard? 

It's looking like I'll be ordering a suit from Old Navy, unless I decide to buy bottoms from Old Navy and a tankini top from Target. Either way, I may need to take out a loan to afford swimwear. 

But, hey, maybe it'll be worth it, and I'll meet some super cute guy. 

The Way You Flirt, Sir...

...it pisses me off.

Tonight, I worked 11am to almost 10pm. About eight hours into my shift a couple of guys came in They may have been a little older than me, but not much, and they were okay looking guys; you know, not movie stars, but not skeezy or gross. Anyway, I said hello when they walked in, then went about my business.

A few minutes later, the Talker walked up to me and said, "I'm ready to check out, are you ready to check me out?" Like right up in my face. Now, it's true, if my day up 'til then hadn't been quite so stupid, I probably wouldn't have been so bothered by his tone, but today pretty much sucked, so I regret nothing.

I went to the register, and was checking him out, and he just kept asking me things and talking to me in the same tone where I knew he was joking (and probably trying to flirt) but really all he was accomplishing was pissing me off. At one point, he said, "Oh, you don't have to keep calling me 'sir,' you're probably older than me, anyway."

At this point, I feel that I need to interject that I can't even get into rated R movies without every employee in the theatre checking my I.D., so no, I don't look old, asshat. I mean, seriously, how the hell was I supposed to respond to that? After that he asked if I'd had a long day, because "the humor's just not rolling on you the right way." I said that my day had, in fact, been long, that I'd been there since 11 and didn't get off until 9:30.

Then, it was his friend's turn to check out, and the Talker still wouldn't shut up! He said, "This guy [his friend] will smile at you to make you day better. [Friend], smile at her." His friend then said, "Shut up, [Talker's-Real-Name-That-I-Didn't-Catch]," under his breath. That got sort of a derisive snort from me, which was apparently encouragement for the Talker, who then proceeded to celebrate his ability to get any reaction (which, I'll admit, at that point, it was pretty impressive, because usually that deep into a stupid predicament, I'm totally shut down, and not even pay attention to anything but escape) from me at all.

Thankfully, they didn't hang around. That whole story might have ended a lot differently if I had been in better humor, but seriously, dude, your idea of flirting is stuck in the third grade. Teasing and talking down to me is not the quickest way to my heart. In fact, it's pretty damn close to the quickest way to piss me off. So, I have yet again, successfully shut down a guy who might possibly have been interested in me. Fuck my life.

I'm not Picky... Really...

There are several other people invested in my thus far fruitless search for a romantic partner. For example, I work with two girls who have made it their New Year's Resolution to find me a man. So, I often receive suggestions about this guy or that guy. And more often than not, I look at the guy they're suggesting and say, "Not for me."

This frustrates them to no end, and I've received countless lectures on how the perfect guy does not exist. So, this is a post in defense of myself and my picky behavior.

First off, I realize that having never even been on a date before, in many peoples' opinions, I should accept any offer I'm given gratefully, but I refuse to become the desperate, do-anything-for-a-man girl that goes psycho and boils a rabbit halfway through the movie. So no, I will not accept bottom-feeders, here defined as a) men old enough to be my father, b) men who make less money than I do, c) men who spend all their money on alcohol, cigarettes, illicit drugs, etc. d) any combination of the above, or e) all of the above.

Then there's the problem of where a particular guy might fit into my life. I am a college student working retail full-time. I only intend to be living in Alabama for another two years tops. So, a relationship with someone established and unwilling to relocate would have a shelf-life. That's a problem. And if he was willing to relocate, would he want to relocate when I did, or do the long distance thing? Would I want him to relocate with me, or do I want to enter the adult world on my own two feet? Would he want to get married before relocating? I realize that most of those questions wouldn't come up on a first date, but you can see where it could quickly become an issue in the relationship if he were to try to talk me into staying, or we were racing to get serious before the move. So, there's reason two that I shake my head at a guy: he seems too attached to north Alabama.

 Reason three is simple: I don't find him at all physically appealing. I'm not looking for some guy out of GQ, just someone that I might look at and think, "Yeah, I might like to sleep with that at some point in the future." Also, it's important to admit that I like what I call odd beauty. Something a little different about a guy's looks that makes him unique. And, I have kind of a thing for redheads. Having red hair doesn't make a guy cute, but it does make a cute guy cuter.

The fourth thing is that he seems to be going nowhere. He's happy just drifting along without any dreams or aspirations beyond beating COD for the millionth time. Me, I'm ambitious; I have dreams. If I were in a relationship with someone who wasn't, I know that I would constantly be nagging him about what he was planning to do next, or when he was going to do this or that. He would resent me, I would resent him. It's just my personality type.

No rednecks. One of my friends at work (let's name them Model and Married), Married, keeps telling me I need to find a country guy because I'm a country girl. What she doesn't realize is the being from the country and being redneck are two different things, so when she sees a redneck come in, she says, "What about him?" Now, I'm not against dating someone from the boondocks; I've lived my whole life in the sticks, but the difference is the amount of class. Yes, rednecks can be great guys, but that type is just not for me. i'm more of an indoors kind of girl. (Not that I won't go fishing/hiking/whatever, I just don't want to make a lifestyle of it.) Basically, if Jeff Foxworthy would classify you as a redneck, I'm not interested.

Also, no assholes. I'll be the first one to admit I can be a bitch, but I don't make a habit of it. So, I don't want to date an ass. Rudeness is unacceptable. And someone who is nice to me, but rude to the waitress is a Class A Asshat.

So, if that makes me picky, then I'm picky, but I won't apologize.